City, Panicked

quirky. almost thirty. female. professional consumer of mental health services. too many diagnosis to track. dog lover. occasional fitness enthusiast. social media junkie.
Recent Tweets @CityPanicked
TW: suicide

This was how I felt. For over a month, my brain automatically jumped to killing myself. I tried once but just woke up confused and I can’t remember much about the days that followed. There were good moments. I was happy…but I was also so sad and in so much pain. 

There was another attempt and a hospital stay. Six days this time. To be honest, if went by pretty fast. I had wonderful conversations with the other patients. The Ex visited me everyday and despite the fact that he’s left town, I think we are more okay than we have been. He is on vacation but he will be back in a few weeks to help me move to my cozier new abode. After that he is off the the East Coast. 

That’s where I am. My meds have all been changed and the persistent and obsessive thoughts of suicide have been greatly reduced. As long as I take care of my mind and body by eating good food, sleeping enough, enjoying the sunshine, stretching, and meditating, I should be okay. For now.

TW: suicide

This was how I felt. For over a month, my brain automatically jumped to killing myself. I tried once but just woke up confused and I can’t remember much about the days that followed. There were good moments. I was happy…but I was also so sad and in so much pain.

There was another attempt and a hospital stay. Six days this time. To be honest, if went by pretty fast. I had wonderful conversations with the other patients. The Ex visited me everyday and despite the fact that he’s left town, I think we are more okay than we have been. He is on vacation but he will be back in a few weeks to help me move to my cozier new abode. After that he is off the the East Coast.

That’s where I am. My meds have all been changed and the persistent and obsessive thoughts of suicide have been greatly reduced. As long as I take care of my mind and body by eating good food, sleeping enough, enjoying the sunshine, stretching, and meditating, I should be okay. For now.

(via i-killed-my-butterflies)

My two beverages options tonight were vodka or herbal tea. I chose tea. No sugar. Tomorrow is going to be hard and I don’t need to make it any harder by waking up hungover. Or worse.

I have taken all of my meds today. On time. I have been outside with the dogs. Three times. I have washed my face and brushed my teeth. I filled and ran the dishwasher. I have survived another day.

I drove the Ex to the airport today. My heart broke, again, but I did not cry. (Seroquel makes it pretty impossible to have one of my never ending crying fits. Content but numb.) We ate lunch and each had a Bloody Mary before I dropped him off at his terminal.

I did not eat dinner tonight. I was still full from lunch. I made sure the dogs were taken care of but I will be dining on Lamictal, Neurontin, and Seroquel.

And herbal tea.

* a cup of coffee in the sunshine
* puppy piles
* the rainbow after a nasty storm
* believing that things won’t be so bad after all
* weekend brunch
* fresh laundry and fluffy towels
* plaids and pastels
* slip-on shoes
* walking on wet clover before the sun has come up
* coastal fog
* pools and palm trees and sunbeams

It has been brought to my attention that my roommate/ex-boyfriend/asshole/only friend in LA will be leaving the city when our lease is up. Where he is going is anyone’s guess and I should be happy for this closure but I am not. 

I am terrified. I have no idea how to not fall apart without being propped up, at least a little. But there is no one else. Not here. Not back in NY. My relationship with my family is tumultuous at best. My relationship with myself is one of self-loathing. I no longer even have a job. I can barely care for the dogs, despite loving them with all of my heart and soul. I no longer think I can even care for myself. 

I have lost everyone. I am losing everything. I am all alone.

It has been brought to my attention that my roommate/ex-boyfriend/asshole/only friend in LA will be leaving the city when our lease is up. Where he is going is anyone’s guess and I should be happy for this closure but I am not.

I am terrified. I have no idea how to not fall apart without being propped up, at least a little. But there is no one else. Not here. Not back in NY. My relationship with my family is tumultuous at best. My relationship with myself is one of self-loathing. I no longer even have a job. I can barely care for the dogs, despite loving them with all of my heart and soul. I no longer think I can even care for myself.

I have lost everyone. I am losing everything. I am all alone.

(via goodbyereallove)