The story below is going to sound impossible. This many bad things can’t happen to one person. But they did to me and in order to move past them, I will work through them in reverse chronological order.
I mean after one bad relationship after another I thought if had finally found that guy. He supported me. We were in love. He called me by my many pet names. We laughed. A lot. Yes there were ups and downs but lately things have been great.
Then they weren’t. Today I find out that the man sharing my bed has been married for nearly a month. While he was out of town “for work”, he was actually marrying his ex-girlfriend, now wife.
I spent the past month sharing a bed with him. Making love. Fucking. Simply being held and falling asleep and waking up to a kiss.
This morning that was my life, but by noon I discovered that everything has been a lie. He keeps pulling the crazy card, saying he didn’t want to break up with me in because I’m too sick and too fragile and I’ve been a burden. Really sensitive. He also didn’t want to be a burden me with the additional cost of him moving out. Instead I paid his rent.
And it turns out he did have the money. Just used it to pay something else because he know I’d cover him for rent. Oh, and did I mention he doesn’t have a car, is 12 years older than me and has had me supporting him 100% for several months.
This blog is about to go all diary on you. Okay, maybe journal is a bit more accurate. I linked my Day One journal and now, if I write an entry that I feel like sharing, it will end up in my Tumblog.
R is in bed right now and I feel awful about it. I know he wants me there. I know he wants to be intimate and I don’t blame or resent him for it. I wish I could make him happy but lately sex is a huge panic trigger. It is awful. Especially because it was seriously amazing up until a few months ago. Then I went inpatient and when I came out, I was terrified of anything sex.
I’ve actually improved. At first, even talking about sex was a huge trigger. Any light graze of my skin lead to me pulling away and getting disproportionately angry. I didn’t want human contact. Before the hospital, the majority of the sex that I had was while under the influence of alcohol. A lot of alcohol. Making the adjustment to sober sex hasn’t been easy. Too many bad memories.
So yeah, sex is terrifying and my poor boyfriend is a saint. I think I’ll go snuggle him and let him know how awesome he is.